Pearls of wisdom

Watch the company you keep and choose your friends carefully, there's six billion people in this world and not all of them are gonna like you for you. Once upon a time my English teacher gave me this great piece of advice; he said "boy, there's no person like third person". He was a good man with a flair for the dramatic matched only by a crippling loneliness.

A word for George Romero

Say what you will about the undead, but you can't get a better spokesman than Jesus Christ, arguably the most successful zombie of all time.

Extracts from a cigarette company boardroom

Boss: First order of business, can we sell to minors?

Suit 1: 'Smoking against Ageism' got alot of peoples attention..

Suit 2: ..But the 'Benson's Babies' commercials aren't taking off like we expected.

Boss: The adorable little kids in the angel constumes?

Suit 1: Public reaction ranges between "disturbing" and "nightmare fuel" sir.

Boss: Did you remember the harps?

Suit 1: Gold-plated just like you requested.

Suit 2: It's the children raising concern sir.

Boss: Those rosey cheeked bastards haven't got a thing right! I want those child actor contracts terminated you hear me?

Suit 2: We had several award winning actors in that spot.

Boss: Award winners, you mean some blonde haired freak gets an award for putting on a blue t-shirt and selling cereal?

Suit 2: Sir we had Thomas Haughton from the Yakult advert.

Boss: Yakult?

Suit 1: He's best known for his part in the NSPCC spot.

Boss: The cry baby ..little Johnny keeps falling down the stairs?

Suit 2: Spiralled with a mahogany gloss..

Suit 1: The very same sir, the director also singled out your daughter in particular for special praise.

Suit 2: ..and an unforgiving marble finish.

Boss: She's bug-eyed like the rest of 'em.

Suit 1: How a boy's expected to grow in an airing cupboard I'll never know.

Biology

What is it about a dog bollocks that makes them so superior.

Happy Slap

SECRETARY: My deepest sorrows again sir.

BOSS: (Tearfully) And the funeral arrangements?

SECRETARY: I'm afraid an open casket is out of the question.

BOSS: ...Vandals.

Aliens

Crop farms are a popular spot for alien activity but I usually find it's the shower where I have the most out of body experiences.